I'm know I'm guilty of living in denial... Certain weeks I'm quite happy to talk and think about Eoghan, but other times I just can't - it's all too hard. Anyone mentions his name - my barriers go up. I haven't got space in my heart to be in love with two men.
It's all well and good if a man breaks up with you. It's easy to hate him. Your anger makes you reslilient. And friends can't wait to cricitise him ('we never liked his shoes / fringe / whole personality really'). But, when your Great Love dies, it's quite the opposite. Straight up there he goes, on the dead mans pedestal. How can any other man compete?
So, to give John, myself, our relationship a chance, sometimes I just have to block Eoghan out. But, it's funny, no matter how high I build the walls, he always finds a way to sneak over them.
Take last night... I was working late at home, rummaging in my desk for an old notebook to scribble in. I found an old spiral binder I didn't even recognise, opened it up - and a note fell out.
The date, written in Eoghan's handwriting, was 21st May 2007.
'To my Amox,
13 days before our wedding you get more beautiful by the second.
You save my life everyday.
And I love you forever and after.'
I don't even remember ever reading it before. And, though it leaves me shaken and uneasy, I need moments like this. To remind me, what we had was real. Because sometimes, three years on, now my lifes so different, I sometimes wonder if I dreamt it all.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
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